7 Reasons Women Feel More Guilt At Work

Laetitia@Work #73

Hi everyone,

Guilt has long been my middle name. As far as I can remember I’ve always felt guilty for not working hard enough. As a child I felt guilty of eating too much. And then guilty of not working out enough. Since I gave birth, the guilt has only intensified. Indeed mothers are generally the epitome of guilt: they experience guilt to an extreme degree, due to the many many expectations and pressures placed on them.

The guilt women feel in their personal lives (about their bodies, their children, their homes) also exists in the workplace. In fact, one could argue that this feeling of failing to meet the standard (whatever that standard may be) is a convenient tool to make women work harder cheaply. 

In her upcoming book, French essayist Mona Chollet explores the pervasive guilt many women carry, describing it as "the enemy within." This internalised guilt serves the patriarchy well, as we've absorbed societal expectations so deeply that we no longer need external pressure to push ourselves harder, strive for perfection, or conform to ideals of beauty and niceness. As I grow older, I'm gradually learning to free myself from this burden, but I still occasionally fall prey to guilt trips. 

In this newsletter, I explore the pervasive guilt women encounter in the workplace and list seven reasons why it’s such a significant problem for women 🍎👇

#1 Religion and myths have contributed to making women the perfect scapegoats

Religious narratives and myths have long cast women as the source of humanity's problems. From Eve in the Biblical story of the Fall to Pandora in Greek mythology, women are depicted as responsible for bringing sin or suffering into the world. Eve's temptation of Adam supposedly led to the fall of mankind (in truth apples are really good for you 🍎 and Eve was right) and Pandora's opening of a forbidden jar unleashed all the world's evils. 

Women are held responsible for the ills of all humanity. They are the perfect culprits that allow others to absolve themselves. These myths may seem distant and forgotten, but they have shaped—and continue to shape—our Western culture far more than we might like to admit.

In the workplace, this idea manifests as the "Glass Cliff," where women are appointed to leadership positions precisely when a situation is dire and likely to fail, making it easier to blame them for the outcome. A recent example of this is Theresa May in the UK, who was handed the reins during the tumultuous Brexit process, only to be held accountable when the challenges proved insurmountable.

#2 Being a good mother and a good full-time worker is practically impossible

Motherhood and caregiving in general is a major source of guilt for women in the workplace. We expect them to excel as both mothers and full-time workers, but the reality is that achieving both simultaneously is nearly impossible. Full-time jobs are structured around the assumption that employees have no caregiving responsibilities, making it incredibly difficult for mothers to meet these demands. It’s even harder for single mothers.

The lack of adequate childcare, the mismatch between school hours and work hours, and the relentless expectations placed on mothers create a situation where women constantly feel guilty about one thing or the other. They always feel like they’re failing—either at work or at home, or sometimes in both areas at once.

This constant guilt is a reminder that unpaid caregiving work prevents paid work. In many ways, these guilt trips serve to exploit women further, pushing them to work harder for less reward. Women don’t need external pressure or criticism; they end up punishing themselves for not being able to meet unrealistic standards.

#3 Emotional labour and the toll of caring for others at work

Many women work in professions where they are responsible for the well-being of others, such as teaching, nursing, social work, caregiving, and administrative roles. These jobs require a significant amount of emotional labour, which often goes unrecognised and is physically and mentally exhausting.

In these roles, women frequently lack the necessary resources and support to provide adequate care, leading to an overwhelming sense of guilt. This guilt often drives them to go above and beyond their job descriptions, working extra hours without compensation to try to make up for the shortfall. Even when they are healthy and managing their own lives well, these women may experience "survivor syndrome," feeling guilty for being okay when those they care for are suffering. It’s no picnic.

Beyond caregiving professions, women in all types of jobs are often expected to shoulder additional emotional labour, much of which is invisible and undervalued. This includes tasks like managing team dynamics, mentoring colleagues, organising events, i.e. taking on "non-promotable tasks". They are often expected to be the "caretakers" of the workplace, ensuring that everyone’s emotional and social needs are met. These tasks take time and energy, diverting focus from other work responsibilities and career advancement opportunities. When these efforts go unnoticed, women are left feeling guilty for not doing enough or for not excelling in their primary roles.

#5 Blame the victims

Women frequently face harassment, and sometimes even rape, in the workplace—a reality that is far more common than we’d like to admit. As subordinates, women are often vulnerable to the manipulative behaviour of those in power, who exploit their positions to abuse and control.

One of the most insidious aspects of this abuse is the way victims are often blamed for what happens to them. Manipulators twist the narrative, making women believe they are at fault. They are told that their shirt was too short, that they shouldn’t have said or done something, or that they somehow "asked for it." This blame-shifting is a deliberate tactic to deflect responsibility and silence the victim. 

Of course, this happens to men too, but since women are more often at the bottom of the ladder, they disproportionately bear the brunt of this abuse. Their lower status in many workplace hierarchies makes them easier targets for manipulation and exploitation, further intensifying the impact of harassment and the guilt that comes with it.

To make matters worse, non-disclosure agreements (NDAs) are frequently used to further silence victims, preventing them from speaking out and holding perpetrators accountable. This legal silencing reinforces the guilt and shame, trapping women in a cycle where they are made to feel responsible for their own victimization, while their abusers face little to no consequences.

On that subject, I highly recommend a French book written by lawyer Elise Fabing, Ça commence avec la boule au ventre 📚

#6 The wage gap and the guilt of earning less

It may seem obvious, but it’s crucial to highlight that women typically earn significantly less money at work than their male counterparts. Economists often deem women as less "productive," which fuels feelings of guilt about not contributing enough financially or adding sufficient "value" to their households. 

In particular, women in civil service roles—where two-thirds of France's civil servants are female—are often made to feel like burdens (paid for by taxpayers), mere "costs" to be cut, rather than valued contributors. This is especially disheartening given that these roles are essential and make everything else possible. They carry everyone else’s productivity on their shoulders!

But many women (I was one of them) feel guilty for not earning more. The irony is stark: women are paid peanuts and then made to feel guilty for earning peanuts.

 #7 The double standards of societal and workplace norms

Societal and workplace norms around clothing and behaviour are perceived as much stricter for women than for men. Women are expected to navigate a complex set of contradictory expectations: they should be sexy but not too sexy, ambitious but not too ambitious, assertive but not aggressive. 

This constant balancing act is like walking a tightrope, where one misstep can lead to criticism, judgment, or even professional setbacks. The pressure to get it "just right" is overwhelming, and the reality is that it’s nearly impossible to meet all these conflicting standards simultaneously. As a result, women often feel like they’re getting it wrong most of the time, leading to a persistent sense of guilt. This guilt is a byproduct of trying to conform to an impossible set of expectations, where no matter what they do, it never feels quite good enough.

Conclusion

In theory, guilt might be seen as a motivator, driving individuals to strive for improvement. However, the disproportionate burden of guilt on women makes me think it can’t be defended as a positive force. Instead, it functions as a tool of patriarchy, compelling women to perform more unpaid, unrecognised work and to remain silent about their struggles.

This is not an individual problem but a collective one, demanding systemic change rather than superficial self-help solutions. To truly address this issue, we need universal, free childcare and healthcare, extended paternity (or “second-parent”) leaves, and tax reforms to combat household wage inequality. We also need to see more men in caregiving roles, sharing the responsibilities and breaking down entrenched gender norms.

Let’s be clear: bubble baths and beauty tips won’t cut it.

Also read:

Why midlife women walk out of corporate jobs. Laetitia@Work #67

What the fear of ageing costs working women. Laetitia@Work #68

The Worry Gap: why women worry so much more. Laetitia@Work #62

Rest is Resistance. Laetitia@Work #59

🚀 📣 🗓 I am very happy to participate in the 30th Summer University of CECA (Communication - Training - Events) with Timothée Parrique & Caroline Lair and other remarkable personalities 😎

The (beautiful) theme of this year's edition is "Legacy and Transformations," a great programme for discussing the world of work (in my case).

See you on August 29 and 30 at Château Smith Haut Lafitte or online 👇

Miscellaneous

😔 Why Is the Loneliness Epidemic so Hard to Cure?, Matthew Shaer, The New York Times, August 2024: “Loneliness is a compound or multidimensional emotion: It contains elements of sadness and anxiety, fear and heartache. The experience of it is inherently, intensely subjective, as any chronically lonely person can tell you. A clerk at a crowded grocery store can be wildly lonely, just as a wizened hermit living in a cave can weather solitude in perfect bliss. (If you want to infuriate an expert in loneliness, try confusing the word “isolation” with “loneliness.”) For convenience’ sake, most researchers still use the definition coined nearly three decades ago, in the early 1980s, by the social psychologists Daniel Perlman and Letitia Anne Peplau, who described loneliness as “a discrepancy between one’s desired and achieved levels of social relations.” Unfortunately, that definition is pretty subjective, too.”

Let’s fight the sense of guilt together! 🤗