What the fear of ageing costs working women

Laetitia@Work #68

Hi everyone,

At work and at home, women have long found themselves bearing the brunt of societal expectations. We often shoulder a lot of burdens that go unrecognised and unpaid. Among all of these burdens is one kind that has long remained overlooked in the professional context: the work of making ourselves ready for work, pretty-but-not-too-much-lest-we-lose-credibility ready. If you’re too sexy or well-dressed, you’ll be deemed stupid and shallow. But if you’re seen as ‘neglected’,  you'll be perceived as unsociable, militant, and transgressively odd. It may cost you business opportunities. In short there’s a very fine line to navigate. It takes time, money and energy. It’s extra work that’s (way) heavier for women. 

All of this I've always struggled to figure out. As a former obese person, I've permanently lost the sensitivity to know which clothes are appropriate for my body. I opt for simplicity and a ‘no fuss’ approach, but I still end up spending more time and worry on it than I would like. I wish there was a manual or recipe that I could easily apply (like Steve Jobs' jeans and black turtleneck)!

The Covid period and our modern culture have transformed these norms for women (and men). It’s now fine to wear ‘casual’ clothes most of the time. Comfort matters. Sneakers are ok at the office (more often than not). Grey hair has become (somewhat) acceptable. And the extra work of contorting oneself solely for the ‘male gaze’ is not as widely accepted as it once was. Many more women feel free not to wear makeup if they don’t feel like it. All this is liberating news!

What if wrinkles and rolls were really BEAUTIFUL?

BUT as many more women feel less obsessed with the ‘male gaze’, a lot of ageing working women still feel the pressure of the ‘youth gaze’. Now more than ever before. We’ll be ‘ageing women’ for many more decades than we’ll have been ‘young women’ yet we feel that kind of pressure at an earlier and earlier age. (Even very young adults feel compelled to buy anti-age products and resort to surgery to meet impossible TikTok standards). The relentless pursuit of maintaining a youthful appearance, of adhering to societal standards of ‘ageing gracefully’, of making sure nobody can see you’re in (peri-)menopause, of appearing young and dynamic… all this adds an additional layer of labour.

Here are 4 ways their fear of ageing is costly to working women. 💡👇

#1. Women spend fortunes on ‘anti-ageing’ products (while earning less money)

In a consumer-driven society obsessed with youthfulness, women often spend a lot of money on products promising to defy the natural process of ageing. Not only is there a 'pink tax', i.e. products marketed towards women are priced higher than identical products marketed towards men. (From disposable razors to clothing and haircuts, women are frequently charged more simply for being the target demographic supposed to be ‘weak’ enough to accept to spend more on the stuff they need.) But to add insult to injury, there’s also an 'ageing tax', i.e. the beauty industry capitalises on women's fears of ageing by inflating the prices of moisturisers and other skincare products, often embellished with vague promises of everlasting youth. Marketing preys on insecurities and perpetuates the myth that youthfulness equates to beauty and worth. 

Thus, women are burdened with the financial strain of purchasing expensive products with revenues that are already significantly lower. And they face the emotional toll of constantly striving to meet unattainable standards of beauty. If only this was something we could use in salary negotiations!

#2. They deal with an additional mental burden that takes away valuable time and energy

Many women are constantly engaged in a battle against the visible signs of ageing, striving to maintain a facade of youth and vitality to avoid being marginalised or overlooked. This effort extends beyond mere physical appearance to concealing any signs of menopause or ‘imperfections’ that may betray their age.

Take a peri-menopausal woman during a work meeting. If she has a hot flash or a memory lapse, she won’t just have to deal with the symptoms per se, but also with actively concealing them. The mental energy expended in this is significant. It diverts attention and focus away from more productive or fulfilling pursuits. Time and cognitive resources that could be dedicated to professional advancement or personal relaxation are instead consumed by the relentless pursuit of an idealised image.

This mental load is akin to the unseen burden of domestic responsibilities. It represents a hidden cost. The constant juggling act that consists in navigating societal expectations while striving to carve out space for our own growth is unsustainable. Ultimately it costs concentration, growth, intelligence. How many times have I failed to listen to something interesting because I was suddenly worried that my double chin had gotten worse and was trying to figure out a posture that would make it less visible? Or was obsessed with a bulge and trying to suck in my stomach?

#3. There’s also the mental burden associated with finding the right, ‘age-appropriate’ style and behaviour

Style and behaviour are always hard. I mean they’re hard for everyone. But ageing women face an extra level of ‘hard’ in that regard. Finding one’s style is a precarious exercise for an ageing woman. You can’t afford to look ‘old-fashioned’ lest you be discarded as has-been. But you can’t just blindly copy the style of someone much younger either! That would be a fashion faux pas. You need to find a middle ground, a balance between the appearance of youth and (sort of) acknowledging your age. Otherwise it’s transgressive. It’s exactly like the delicate balance between sexy and not too sexy. Now you have 2 subtle lines to navigate instead of one.

Finding this elusive middle ground is hard – a space where one's style reflects a sense of self-awareness and sophistication without straying into the territory of trying too hard or being seen as pathetically trying to recapture youth. It's about striking a balance that communicates confidence, maturity, and an understanding of one's own identity within the context of evolving fashion trends. It's a full-time job, really!

The fact that our societal norms have become more flexible has not made the whole thing much easier. For example, in some contexts it’s acceptable to let your hair go grey. But in others, it’s not! It depends on culture, expectations, and your own agenda. More tyranny of choice! More work.

I recently read this fun Oldster piece titled “(Don’t) Act Your Age!” which dealt with the subject of behavioural style. What I wrote about finding your clothing style also applies to behaviour and hobbies.

“at some age—I’m not sure when and it probably lies within a range—many women believe that they can’t, or shouldn’t, be out there. Out there, as in the out-of-doors. Out there, as in a little bit unruly, a little off the beaten path. Out there, as in learning something new, or pushing physical comfort zones. I'm not speaking about freaky, hair-raising danger, or overwhelming stress. I'm talking a version of outdoor activity and adventure that fits the realities of our age but doesn't succumb to the falsehoods—that as older women we are fragile, possibly mentally dotty, certainly not qualified to do anything but take constant precautions. But let’s face it, our biggest danger may not be a mountain bike, or a surfboard, or saying yes to a tandem skydive. Instead, the real peril for us as we age may be a sedentary life that lacks pizzazz and challenge” (Caroline Paul, Oldster)

#4. The fear of being sidelined creates a lot of extra anxiety

Working women in the middle stages of their careers experience pervasive anxiety over age, particularly after 45. Despite their experience and expertise, they often find themselves facing discrimination and marginalisation in the workplace. This ongoing fear of being overlooked or deemed irrelevant is deeply ingrained, stemming from a history of systemic biases and ageism.

The reference to cases brought to courts underscores the prevalence of workplace discrimination faced by this demographic. Many women are forced to confront difficult decisions, including leaving their jobs, as a result of feeling undervalued or disregarded due to their age. The toll of this constant struggle can lead to self-censorship and resignation, as individuals grapple with the choice between enduring ongoing anguish or seeking respite elsewhere.

Ultimately the greatest cost is likely a potentially colossal loss of income. All the jobs not offered and not taken. All the quitting. All the things for which we are censored or censor ourselves. Such a cost is impossible to measure. But when we consider the (relatively) low labour force participation rate of women, particularly beyond the age of 55, one can't help but wonder what a workplace and an economy would look like that truly gives them the place they deserve! There’s a massive economic impact resulting from the underutilisation of women's talents and expertise in the workforce. 

👉 Also read: Why midlife women walk out of corporate jobs. Laetitia@Work #67

👉 Also read: The Worry Gap: why women worry so much more. Laetitia@Work #62

🚀 📣 Together with Caroline Taconet and Katerina Zekopoulos, we launched a new podcast called Vieilles en puissance. The project is at the intersection of three themes: age, money, and women (in French).

Throughout their lives, women encounter obstacles that impoverish them and widen the gap with men: part-time work, glass ceiling, discrimination, unpaid labour, motherhood penalty, economic violence, caregiving, stereotypes, etc.
How can you avoid falling into poverty as you age? And how do you reconcile with future (old) you as well as get close to the old women around us, learn to love them, care for them, allow them to care for you, and inspire you? How do we become powerful together?

The first episode, with researcher Bruno Palier, dealt with the male-female pension gap 🎧

The second episode has just been released and deals with the subject of this newsletter. It’s a conversation with journalist Sophie Dancourt 👇

👉 SUBSCRIBE NOW TO THE VIEILLES EN PUISSANCE NEWSLETTER!

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💡Check out the latest articles I wrote for Welcome to the Jungle: Let's stop looking down on ‘good students’ at work (in English), Faut-il compter sur l’entreprise là où la politique échoue ?, Managers : pourquoi la moitié de votre équipe ne se sent pas respectée au travail ? (in French).

🎙️ There’s a new Nouveau Départ podcast episode! La putréfaction des plateformes (“À deux voix” with Nicolas Colin) 🎧 (in 🇫🇷). Subscribe to receive our future podcasts directly in your inbox!

🎙️ I’ve recorded a podcast with Aude Hayot, La fin des règles: the episode is titled “Les femmes, on les ramène toujours à la Nature !” 🎧 (in 🇫🇷)

Miscellaneous

🇯🇵 Japan’s Labor Market Has a Lesson for the Fed: Women Can Surprise You, Jeanna Smialek, The New York Times, March 2024: “The jump in female participation has happened partly by design. Since about 2013, the Japanese government has tried to make both public policies and corporate culture more friendly to women in the work force. The goal was to attract a new source of talent at a time when the world’s fourth-largest economy faces an aging and shrinking labor market.”

😥 World Happiness Report sounds alarm about the welfare of young people, Phillip Inman, The Guardian, March 2024: “The latest World Happiness Report is a warning sign to governments that have put the welfare of older people above that of younger generations. If young people cannot establish themselves in the workplace with a decent home and time and money to visit friends and family, the ramifications will boomerang on the old. There will be slower economic growth and fewer funds to support the retired.”

May your wrinkles make you rich! 💰